Page 6: Push and pull of Powers

Wonder why all this hustle, positions held by people without a sense of what to do.

I have been in this place, holding positions like no bodies business. I did my undergraduate in University Utara Malaysia from 2008 to 2011. a three year degree in International Affair Management, so called Diplomat. during this period I was way to busy to study, I enjoyed most of my time attending meetings and student activity planning sessions.

Other students would jolly go back during weekends and holidays, I was here in the Sintok Forest Reserve completing paper works, assigning new tasks, providing motivation session, drawing clear lines on framework of things that can be done, venues that yet to be occupied and so on and so forth. throughout this period I learned many things especially on how to manage my time, manage people, managing issues and conflicts and especially sensitive one was managing myself through the thick and thins of power struggles.

I have learned much on the last part, power struggle. In this ever evolving place of new humans, coming and going some staying because of its abundance, I saw myself an opportunist of some kind, that was always looking out for the chances and things that can be done. I made friends and foes through out this winning war i fought, some stayed to face me some left getting tired. I never had enough. I continued the struggle, each project I did had a story behind it, there was discoveries, there was a stepping stone of some kind there and here.

The period that I would never forget is my semester 4 and 5, a little bit of 6. This was the ultimate power battles, my President ship at the International Affairs Society was shrouded with controversies, little that anyone knew I never took part in any programs organised by the senior committees. I was just there knowing more people because of the accidental placement of myself in the MAS residential Hall, the same Hall that hosted the then President, Deputy and 6 of the committee members, soon I became their favorite junior that entertained them at every dinner and accompanied them to class every morning. I happened to fall in to the class of seniors, so thought my same semester students. It was funny but I never had the time to clarify.

The fires erupted when some of the "Juniors", my batch students that felt the senior are over staying their invitation to form the government. Little that I know it was time for them to give up and hold election. honestly everyone was busy with their thing. Seniors were tangled in assignments and final projects. Then came the news when the then president  had an Idea to just suggest and appoint through his own discretion. Mechanism of democracy forgotten and Authoritarianism prevailed over this sleeping society. 

The adviser of the society, one of the feared lecturers of the faculty, was drawn in to the battle, less that she cared what was to happen to the sleeping society, she appointed me. suddenly and shockingly I was in trouble.  Not so really the years as Residential Hall Committee member and Student Elect Committee working member helped me allot. I was very quick in planning programs and events that would place other societies in mishap and jealousy if I may. 

Ending one power struggle I was facing Internal stress in the society, the new committee I formed was made up of people who talked more than they did. It was more of a team of ducks. The problem was, the ducks wouldn't even follow. attendance at the meetings were scarce, working papers never reached places they intended, making it worse there was a new camp in the committee that planned to take over, which I had to counter by constant meetings and discussion with adviser (the Veto holder of my seat in power).

Pushing through in to semester 5, I met a group of new students, semester 1 that were eager and fast in doing projects. These students formed my sub committee, a team that helped me out n the projects that I placed in par, I passed the paper work and they executed it. In total I executed more projects then the combined number of project of the other 6 societies in the academic collage. I was tired, but it was worth it.

My academic grades were good, I made it through well, as planned. I never regretted a single day of that days. I still love looking at the pictures. well I don't have any one else to fight over, my days are over. I can only comment now.

It's now time for me to pass Star Wars on

to a new generation of film-makers ~ George Lucas

Be A Light, Not A Judge,
Be A Model, Not A Critique - Ancient

pridiv . 31 December 2013 . UUM Library 5th Floor . 4.57pm

Page 5 : A New Experience

Looking back on to the past experiences, a different city, a different air, different culture developing the little me to a better person - the person I have become now. 

Thank you to my dad, by profession a teacher provided me and my siblings with the education and discipline, to me is one of a kind, the values that was seldom said but we took it up by example - may be it was in the blood maybe. He was a tutor with no exception - writing this make me think, where am I heading. maybe the same shoes in a bigger place. may God lit the light for this humble being. 

Following him to all the places he has been, teaching, spreading knowledge, collecting deeds. sparing us the best. From the ever changing schooling at my birth town Muar, Johor i did my first primary education in SRK Sultan Ismail, followed by a brief period in Oxford Public Matriculation School, Thanjoor, India for two years with my grandparents. I continued my secondary education in Malacca, just next to the Historical A'Famosa, looking down the hills at SMK St Francis till my higher secondary at SMK Tinggi Malacca, which then i finished at SMK Majakir, Yup right Negeri di Bawah Bayu, Sabah.

Wow...Why that long list? smile... all those places made me better at each turn, my most memorable collection was being a prefect at all the schools, disciplined, on time, almost perfect. Forming the characteristics that you may wonder which book said or showed. sorry friend it was learned the hard way, the diplomatic speech is my favorite. I know i sweep people of the feet, steeling the treasures. Winks.

What is the difference i'm talking about? the people i mean, what is diversity u ask me. and I may tell you education and the way we perceive the people of what they say. When u ask a Malaccan what can we say of ethics. He may just point out at saving the best for yourself but a Sabahan may say getting a descent food tonight. and of course an Indian in the subcontinent has not reached an understanding of the ethics to my conscience. 

Putting that a side, at different places I matured at each steps, at each development I looked at how to improve myself and as well as how much difference I can make at changing the life's of the people I meet, the people that I make contact to. How much that I do that makes people think of a better and changing future? a constant question. Gandhi observed making change of yourself ensures the change of others" 

It was as if the changes and words we say to people make them better, makes them more you, makes them a little different. This made me think what and how can I do it?

In my Bachelors Degree I learned much of the people skills, the skills you don't know when you don't have. But the skills that you notice people don't have when you already obtained it. I took part in as many events I could, I made my self so busy, I couldn't make the time to finish my personal chores, I don't regret the smallest bit of the time and energy I spent this way.

At each event I learned the steps of being a manager, from the observation to planning, deciding, implementing and evaluation. It was a gruesome but enjoyable process. I contributed much, and I earned the award for the best contribution to the University. 

Leaving that on the sidelines, 

I'm actually thinking of the people that I encountered in this tiring ordeal,  During Bachelors degree, I was with people that would lent me a hand in any situation. we were as one in friendship and hardship, never relenting in taking each others back at times. I miss those days when there was the sense of comradeship among the students around me. 

Not only in class, I also had friends and juniors as well in positions that of co curricular activities, Holding position as a Students Residential Hall Exco, I was lucky to be flanked by people who enjoyed helping each other. In DPP MAS people were endless of the helping hand and Support. I will never forget the President ship at the International Affairs Society of UUM as well, I could name a whole list of quality people that helped the causes of development.

But, when it came to my Postgraduate studies in this same University I left few years back, I'm straddled to see students that keep to themselves, sadly stressful on things that could bring good and benefit to the students. people are jealous for things that should be a common interest matter, students stab each other over issues that can be shared. Why this negativity in a center that could boost the development of all?

I can Only say I felt Morally Obliged to do what I did ~ Nelson Mandela

Pridiv . 31st December 2013 . Tradewinds Student Residential Hall . 1.12am

Page 4: p3ncuri

Jangan Tinggalkan Auramu disekeliling ku

Ia membuat aku termimpi, mimpikan kita

Jangan biarkan wangian mu, mohon memahami

ia melekat di hidung yang memenuhi setiap sudut minda ku

This is my diary, so thought of the other parts of my life. Let the love linger, let the girls judge, leave them wondering, say what they think is the best to describe me. I'm getting on with the life. ~ Love is a long chapter, Shakespeare said" . who am I to overdo his expertise. 

I prioritized, what is that I want to do. the funny thing when my mom asked me what am I planning to do? I was like PhD was the most sensible thing to do mom, She was the kindest lady at the hardest of moments. immediately said she will be the proudest person to have two Dr in the entrance, instantly she changed, looking at the floor, ~ more years away, I'm getting tired". you know what she meant, you know what she wants. then she continued, ~ you go do what you want, I will take care of everything else". 

It was Deepavali week, people prepare all sorts of things, but since dad passed 3 years back. It has not been the same. I don't know how to describe it, we all know and finished grieving, but that man stole a last chunk of that tiny heart it couldn't recover, I doubt it will ever recover. And you know, he actually left us after months of quarreling, misunderstandings, we literally hated each other. but the moment that call came telling me he was not breathing anymore I wished I was not. ~Teach them to survive without you, that's the best thing you can leave behind".

I wonder if he was the most loving person as he was for years before that, I definitely would have stopped breathing. maybe that's why he became an enemy at home a year before passing. he left us with strength to withstand the hard winds, strong waves. It seems like yesterday, I was startling his sleep, complaining about the teachers at school. It seems like yesterday, I was standing by his coffin waiting to see him off". 

In my all perfect life, 22 years was in the shadows of that man. the same years that i will rejoice to be the most memorable. The years that I was taken care of, the years that was carefree and priceless. 

~ I want to look out one more time. I’m not going to see this again" - President Obama, at Second Inauguration

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library Postgraduate Room . 5.27pm

Page 3 : It started to make Sense

After all those days, something came up to me. Pridiv is this what you want? Someone that doesn't want you?

I don't know who was that, but I just listened, I sat I wrote down all the silly things that happened the past few months. Why did I go this bad, this silly, this kind of person that I would never like to be. It was  September, nearing my birth date. My mom used to say all the time, I was a lucky boy, I had the same birth date, 28 as my mom and same birth month, September as my dad. my Hindu stars matched my grand parents, the star the Lord Murugan was born into, my name was from a king from the lost empires in India - mind it that guy took his princess from a rival king, On Horse back. 

Thinking back all this, I realized there are so many people who love me so much, whose hearts I will break if I fail in this tiny life of mine. I have not done much, not achieved what I was meant to settle. Ya, right people die for Love, I'm sorry I have too much to think of Love has just become an accident that I could have walked away from, at this point I made up my mind, Life should smiles and laughter that make people envious of me, not cynical giggles that would say I have done a stupid mistake. I put it a aside, It hurts when you let go the person you still love"

I moved on, I celebrated my 25th birthday in UUM, with my friends, a very boring one. That night remembered telling myself, at least they appreciate you for what you are and cared to call me down for a dinner. Not the best way but I will have my days later.

Wait my second semester has just began, It was whole new story now. I started to enjoy my new life. something else startled the peace and serenity. I was joking around everyone, she spoiled me. I couldn't get myself back. the child in me was gone. that's when i settled down at the temple nearby my campus for a whole day. I was talking with this friend, glancing at the deity, I prayed deep in my heart 

~ Please let me be myself, I don't want this me right now" I was embarrassed, when the bells rang, my tears did role out. I sat behind the pillars, waiting for the prayers to end.

I started fooling around, I was looking for some one to replace her place in my heart. It was fun when there was some one you can share everything with you now. but when its empty you start searching. I did, I couldn't stay down. i made silly mistakes, I stole the wrong hearts. I deleted some girls on Facebook, when they were to accept me, I blocked some numbers in my phone not wanting to take the conversation to the next level, I even had to off my phone after all the craziness. There goes all my good character and my parents teaching, I was mad at myself when the worst happened. 

The girl that was beside me the moment I broke down, the friend that everyone will look for when they see me. I said the silliest of things to her when she giggled and shied away, I don't know what I did when she took some serious, she stopped replying my. I looked at her Facebook account, yup she was having a new friend, and she started hurting me. silly me I had a crush on her;

~ You won't know how much you like that person, until they like someone else" - I scolded myself for that, I was thinking what of a friend have i become. I liked her, I still do - I hope the best for her, but Im not in the position of messaging her all the time anymore. there's a far distant friend. 

~ A stranger today maybe the best friend in the making, A best friend today, maybe the stranger to be tomorrow"

Accidents happen fast, they hurt only after u realize it happened. well she used to tell everyone I was her Boyfriend. That makes us the same people in different boats I guess, You know I knew it but I didn't know it until you forgot it. She was the prettiest girl, that I ever saw being jealous of me talking to another, It still makes me smile.

~ Im a Flawed Character" - Lance Armstrong, American Olympic Cyclist

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library postgraduate room . 4.32pm

Page 2 : Changes in 2013

2013 to me is not very much of a anus horibillis" like 1992 to Regina Elizabeth the Second, but it was quite a year, a year I would remember in many terms. 

A year that I skipped from my work in Ambank, I stopped working resigning myself on the 27th February - my show cause letter stating my intention to continue my Masters Degree in my Alma Mater, Northern University in Kedah. Offer letter received early that month, leaving behind my family again - Im took off i guess from the stress full life there, I stopped to think I released my self in to the academia life style again. Like my dad use to say "One day you will have no choice but to read!" ~ dad You win (=

Smiles apart, I went through the early part quite simply easy from February to April 2013 - Year was going smooth. Not much a hurdle, Like my cousin said "Owh come on, studying is the easy part of Life" ~ till you meet the real hard stuff you kind a don't notice that you know. I met mine in mid April, tears was just the simplest thing when it comes to trusting some one with your heart. 

Till today I still think she was a wonderful person, and I cannot reason with myself why she was so terrible to me. the way she spoke, the way she looked at me the pick of words, grammar and what not simply changed from sweet to sour. I just had to hold myself together for the next four months . Mid April to Mid September, are the months that tore me down to the pieces, no one will understand ~ neither do I.

The mean time I met wonderful people who just would sit and listen to me cry and mumble and be the kid that was dying inside, looking in to my eye. They were just there what could I say. relationship was just friend but they meant to me more than that at that moment. I don't mind them leaving me now, but I could have been worse if they left me at that moment. These people came from know where, thinking back, I remember my grandmothers last call to me when I was in India studying in primary 5, age was circa 11. I didn't understand much but because my love for my avva, I used to call her - I remember that short conversation till today "Will you come back to see me?, she paused, dont worry I will be around you many forms, I will be nearest to you when no one else are beside you". I guess at the moment, after 14 years, the moment I was falling apart, she was there in the form of those 3 people. making sure i get through it ~ making sure the child she held in her arms for 10 strong years make it through without her beside.

Those days were good, I met nice people, I made through the sleepless nights, I finished my assignments at the library most of the time, I didn't want my room mate see me crying through the night. I made it through i got first class the exams though, Thank you to the pretty girl, her play full jokes and cuteness. The handsome guy that would talk to me the whole night, silly stuff we were almost in love. and what not my teacher, she understood me like her own son, never said a word but she would tell me to stay calm, prioritize and chase my dreams. "distractions are the mans first enemy, stay calm, brush away the thing that wont help you succeed"

~ Who cares, Im just what I am, A guy ~ Mark Spencer

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library postgraduate room . 3.36pm

Page 1: A new beginning of the Old Me

Personally i'm not a very good writer, not so good at blogging as well.... when I talked to my friends one advised me, y not leave the other media and express yourself on the Blogs - let it be an open Diary - a care free zone just a place to spill the milk and burn the matches....

So i opened back this Old page, and told myself there is always that one day, that one person, that one incident that will totally change your personality, and make you change what ever you were doing... last few months many things happened...It made feel used, made feel as if we only meant something to someone when we have something to offer... well why hipocracy, I only reply your message when I need something from you ... thats the fact right ... thats the way how the world roles ... theres very few that genuinely care what you are doing and what you are feeling

If this blog was to be my diary, Im dedicating my commitment and my time just to tell you guys What I feel, what I plan, What I wish of this tiny life of mine ... just for the few moments im typing im going to forget what the world would think of me, who i will hurt and skip the tips on diplomacy and relations abit... the dark side of me says do it all you want, the better me says please just shut it and do your readings.... Wish me luck on the brinks of the end of 2013

~ Im a new person, longing for a better life ~

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library postgraduate room . 2.45pm