Page 4: p3ncuri

Jangan Tinggalkan Auramu disekeliling ku

Ia membuat aku termimpi, mimpikan kita

Jangan biarkan wangian mu, mohon memahami

ia melekat di hidung yang memenuhi setiap sudut minda ku

This is my diary, so thought of the other parts of my life. Let the love linger, let the girls judge, leave them wondering, say what they think is the best to describe me. I'm getting on with the life. ~ Love is a long chapter, Shakespeare said" . who am I to overdo his expertise. 

I prioritized, what is that I want to do. the funny thing when my mom asked me what am I planning to do? I was like PhD was the most sensible thing to do mom, She was the kindest lady at the hardest of moments. immediately said she will be the proudest person to have two Dr in the entrance, instantly she changed, looking at the floor, ~ more years away, I'm getting tired". you know what she meant, you know what she wants. then she continued, ~ you go do what you want, I will take care of everything else". 

It was Deepavali week, people prepare all sorts of things, but since dad passed 3 years back. It has not been the same. I don't know how to describe it, we all know and finished grieving, but that man stole a last chunk of that tiny heart it couldn't recover, I doubt it will ever recover. And you know, he actually left us after months of quarreling, misunderstandings, we literally hated each other. but the moment that call came telling me he was not breathing anymore I wished I was not. ~Teach them to survive without you, that's the best thing you can leave behind".

I wonder if he was the most loving person as he was for years before that, I definitely would have stopped breathing. maybe that's why he became an enemy at home a year before passing. he left us with strength to withstand the hard winds, strong waves. It seems like yesterday, I was startling his sleep, complaining about the teachers at school. It seems like yesterday, I was standing by his coffin waiting to see him off". 

In my all perfect life, 22 years was in the shadows of that man. the same years that i will rejoice to be the most memorable. The years that I was taken care of, the years that was carefree and priceless. 

~ I want to look out one more time. I’m not going to see this again" - President Obama, at Second Inauguration

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library Postgraduate Room . 5.27pm

Page 3 : It started to make Sense

After all those days, something came up to me. Pridiv is this what you want? Someone that doesn't want you?

I don't know who was that, but I just listened, I sat I wrote down all the silly things that happened the past few months. Why did I go this bad, this silly, this kind of person that I would never like to be. It was  September, nearing my birth date. My mom used to say all the time, I was a lucky boy, I had the same birth date, 28 as my mom and same birth month, September as my dad. my Hindu stars matched my grand parents, the star the Lord Murugan was born into, my name was from a king from the lost empires in India - mind it that guy took his princess from a rival king, On Horse back. 

Thinking back all this, I realized there are so many people who love me so much, whose hearts I will break if I fail in this tiny life of mine. I have not done much, not achieved what I was meant to settle. Ya, right people die for Love, I'm sorry I have too much to think of Love has just become an accident that I could have walked away from, at this point I made up my mind, Life should smiles and laughter that make people envious of me, not cynical giggles that would say I have done a stupid mistake. I put it a aside, It hurts when you let go the person you still love"

I moved on, I celebrated my 25th birthday in UUM, with my friends, a very boring one. That night remembered telling myself, at least they appreciate you for what you are and cared to call me down for a dinner. Not the best way but I will have my days later.

Wait my second semester has just began, It was whole new story now. I started to enjoy my new life. something else startled the peace and serenity. I was joking around everyone, she spoiled me. I couldn't get myself back. the child in me was gone. that's when i settled down at the temple nearby my campus for a whole day. I was talking with this friend, glancing at the deity, I prayed deep in my heart 

~ Please let me be myself, I don't want this me right now" I was embarrassed, when the bells rang, my tears did role out. I sat behind the pillars, waiting for the prayers to end.

I started fooling around, I was looking for some one to replace her place in my heart. It was fun when there was some one you can share everything with you now. but when its empty you start searching. I did, I couldn't stay down. i made silly mistakes, I stole the wrong hearts. I deleted some girls on Facebook, when they were to accept me, I blocked some numbers in my phone not wanting to take the conversation to the next level, I even had to off my phone after all the craziness. There goes all my good character and my parents teaching, I was mad at myself when the worst happened. 

The girl that was beside me the moment I broke down, the friend that everyone will look for when they see me. I said the silliest of things to her when she giggled and shied away, I don't know what I did when she took some serious, she stopped replying my. I looked at her Facebook account, yup she was having a new friend, and she started hurting me. silly me I had a crush on her;

~ You won't know how much you like that person, until they like someone else" - I scolded myself for that, I was thinking what of a friend have i become. I liked her, I still do - I hope the best for her, but Im not in the position of messaging her all the time anymore. there's a far distant friend. 

~ A stranger today maybe the best friend in the making, A best friend today, maybe the stranger to be tomorrow"

Accidents happen fast, they hurt only after u realize it happened. well she used to tell everyone I was her Boyfriend. That makes us the same people in different boats I guess, You know I knew it but I didn't know it until you forgot it. She was the prettiest girl, that I ever saw being jealous of me talking to another, It still makes me smile.

~ Im a Flawed Character" - Lance Armstrong, American Olympic Cyclist

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library postgraduate room . 4.32pm

Page 2 : Changes in 2013

2013 to me is not very much of a anus horibillis" like 1992 to Regina Elizabeth the Second, but it was quite a year, a year I would remember in many terms. 

A year that I skipped from my work in Ambank, I stopped working resigning myself on the 27th February - my show cause letter stating my intention to continue my Masters Degree in my Alma Mater, Northern University in Kedah. Offer letter received early that month, leaving behind my family again - Im took off i guess from the stress full life there, I stopped to think I released my self in to the academia life style again. Like my dad use to say "One day you will have no choice but to read!" ~ dad You win (=

Smiles apart, I went through the early part quite simply easy from February to April 2013 - Year was going smooth. Not much a hurdle, Like my cousin said "Owh come on, studying is the easy part of Life" ~ till you meet the real hard stuff you kind a don't notice that you know. I met mine in mid April, tears was just the simplest thing when it comes to trusting some one with your heart. 

Till today I still think she was a wonderful person, and I cannot reason with myself why she was so terrible to me. the way she spoke, the way she looked at me the pick of words, grammar and what not simply changed from sweet to sour. I just had to hold myself together for the next four months . Mid April to Mid September, are the months that tore me down to the pieces, no one will understand ~ neither do I.

The mean time I met wonderful people who just would sit and listen to me cry and mumble and be the kid that was dying inside, looking in to my eye. They were just there what could I say. relationship was just friend but they meant to me more than that at that moment. I don't mind them leaving me now, but I could have been worse if they left me at that moment. These people came from know where, thinking back, I remember my grandmothers last call to me when I was in India studying in primary 5, age was circa 11. I didn't understand much but because my love for my avva, I used to call her - I remember that short conversation till today "Will you come back to see me?, she paused, dont worry I will be around you many forms, I will be nearest to you when no one else are beside you". I guess at the moment, after 14 years, the moment I was falling apart, she was there in the form of those 3 people. making sure i get through it ~ making sure the child she held in her arms for 10 strong years make it through without her beside.

Those days were good, I met nice people, I made through the sleepless nights, I finished my assignments at the library most of the time, I didn't want my room mate see me crying through the night. I made it through i got first class the exams though, Thank you to the pretty girl, her play full jokes and cuteness. The handsome guy that would talk to me the whole night, silly stuff we were almost in love. and what not my teacher, she understood me like her own son, never said a word but she would tell me to stay calm, prioritize and chase my dreams. "distractions are the mans first enemy, stay calm, brush away the thing that wont help you succeed"

~ Who cares, Im just what I am, A guy ~ Mark Spencer

Pridiv . 30/12/2013 . UUM Library postgraduate room . 3.36pm